(submitted by Merla, since she is also a violist!)

1) How do you know a violist is at the door?
There's no rhythm to the knock, and he doesn't know when to come in!

2) If you come to a crossroads, and want to know the way, do you ask a good violist, a bad violist, or a pink elephant?
The bad violist, because the other two are figments of the imagination!

3) What is the definition of a good sports pitch?
Pitch a viola into a garbage can from 100 metres!

4) What is the difference between a violist and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion!

5) What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline!

6) Do you know what a dyslexic violist is?
He went off to be a member of the P.L.O. (rather than the London Philharmonic Orchestra)

7) A violist was fed up with viola jokes. "Enough!" said he, "I'm going to play a clarinet!" He raced out to a music shop. Said he to the manager, "I want an A flat clarinet, and a B flat clarinet, and a set of reeds." "You must be a viola player!" said the manager. To which the violist asked, "How did you know that?" "Well", said the manager, "This is a fish and chip shop!"

8) (The following is a true story as it was written up in one of the British newspapers.) There was a violist of modicum talent. He was forced to play a command performance by his wealthy, ambitious, patron parents. The only accompanist who would agree to play for him was a music professor, and the fellow turning the pages was a famous pianist. The critic's comment read, "the concert would have been vastly improved, if the pianist had played the viola, the professor played the piano, and the violist turned pages!"
9) What is the similarity between the left hand of a violist and a bolt of lightning?
It never strikes the same twice!

10) How do you make a violist play 3 up bows in a row and staccato?
You write a whole note and put "solo" above it!

11) What is the best recording of the Bartok viola concerto?
Music minus one!

12) What is the difference between a viola and yogurt?
Yogurt has some LIVE culture!
13) What is the difference between a dead violist and a dead hedgehog in the middle of the road?
The skid marks BEFORE the hedgehog!

14) (cello joke) How do you make a 'cellist play "forte"?
You write "piano espressivo" above the notes.

15) A violist visited a genie. "Please, I would like to be a better violist." "Granted", said the genie as he rubbed his lamp. The violist woke up the next morning, and found he was playing principle viola in the Berlin Philharmonic. Not satisfied however, he went back again to the genie. "I want to play 100% better than that!" "Granted", said the genie. The next day, the violist woke up and found he was playing principle viola in the New York Philharmonic. But he was still not satisfied, so he went back again to the genie. "I want to play 100% better than even that!" "Well", hesitated the genie, "it's a bit difficult, but here goes!" He rubbed his lamp again. The next day the violist found himself playing 3rd desk 2nd violin!

Three men “of the cloth” were asked what they would each like to have inscribed on their coffin when they died. The first was a Roman Catholic priest. “It would be wonderful if it would say that I was a good listener to all the confessions, an ideal citizen, and a helper to the poor”. The Baptist pastor said: “I think I'd like it to say that I brought a lot of folks to salvation, that I was a family man, and I was a real encourager”. What about you, Rabbi, what would YOU want written on YOUR coffin?” The rabbi thought for a moment and then exclaimed: “Look – he's MOVING!!”

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
The man says, "I make a good living."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school.

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdales.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good,
" said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so
weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother
answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you
should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part
in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part
of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell
the teacher you want a speaking part."

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." She replied,
"Force yourself."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.